Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
