I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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