walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
