I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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