The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
