Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
