i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
