Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
