it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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