ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
