Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
