Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
