I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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