did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
