the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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