The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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