I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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