When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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