I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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