She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Alive.
So much puke
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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