literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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