Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
