just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize