Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
