Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
