Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
