Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize