Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My bed smells like the plague
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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