I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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