just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
