Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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