Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
