So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
