The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
