I CAN MOONWALK!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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