Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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