He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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