My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
