Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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