Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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