woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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