any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I touched a dick in church today
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
