her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
