i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
