just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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