FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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