my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
