my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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