Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
