tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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