i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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