Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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