just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
