Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
