Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
