I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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