I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
love makes seman taste better
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
