Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
