any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
