I think I died a long time ago.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
