No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
