good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
