Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
